This was beautiful. You’ve said so many things I’ve thought but not said out loud. I only wish we could be this frank with  everyone. “Um, excuse me, you’re being a douche! Great, thank so how’s the weather?” I can relate to some aspects. Tyler and I took “forever” to get married. 8 years in fact. Then we’re about 2 years in and we haven’t  had a child. Talking to old classmates and aquantiances is frustrating especially since they act as if something is wrong with me. Hey how about asking me about my bike or my new cooking project? Again, I saw awesome blog!

carrieblog:

Let’s face it; it’s a couples’ world.  From coaster events to reunions to parties to regular get-togethers, you are generally expected to have someone on your arm at all times.  And even beyond social events and such, people just plain expect you to either be in a relationship or working towards one.  And then, even after reaching the cultural expectation of finding a special someone, the pressure continues toward getting married and having kids.

What the hell?  Really.  Is there any real reason that the world should give a shit if others are married or with a family?  And especially regarding having kids, there are some folks for which that goal will never be met, whether they chose that fate or not.  Leave them alone already.

There are a few things about it that really bother me.  The obvious is that it’s none of anyone’s business and has no bearing on their own lives whatsoever.  The next is that being single for some reason provides people this ridiculous avenue for “blame” regarding their own shortcomings.  If a generous donation is made, the response can be, “Oh, well, sure, you can afford that.  You’re single!”  If a single person volunteers to work late to complete a project, the response can be, “Oh, well, sure, you have the time for that.  You don’t have a spouse or kids!”  *sigh*

And finally, it can get irritating how some folks need to turn being married and/or having kids into some kind of club.  Once you’re in it, all you want to do is talk about it and often times only talk to others who are sharing your experience.  Yes, I get it.  There is a natural tendency to gravitate towards people who share the same experiences as you.  But come on.  Really.  Does being married and/or having kids truly define you now?   What else are you beyond it?

Within the past year a lot of folks I went to high school with suddenly appeared on Facebook and it was like a mini-reunion.  It astonished me a little to see how much people only cared about talking about their families.  I wanted to know how they were doing.  How they had evolved since I last knew them.  Anyway, that might be the end of my rant portion of this entry.  (Maybe not, though…smile)

I have a boyfriend.  Our relationship is non-traditional and a bit long distance, so to many it appears I have a single life.  That’s ok, really, because as I said earlier, it’s no one’s business anyway.

I’ve been married.   I am now divorced.  What’s interesting to me about that fact is that as someone learns it for the first time, all of a sudden there seems to be some validity to my situation.  “Oh, you’re single because you’re divorced.  Ok.”  I’ve even had someone have the balls to say to me, “Well, ok, but you still have to find someone new.  You can’t stay alone forever.”  *shakes head*

But here’s the thing.  My marriage was an abusive one.  It left scars.  It took me a long time to be able to admit that, because it wasn’t physically abusive.  Mental and emotional abuse are harder to define and a lot harder to have someone else believe.  But I remember the very day I had the “Oh shit!” moment of realizing my marriage was a bad decision.  It was only three weeks in.

And from that moment on, I felt trapped.  I had made a commitment which meant a lot to me with regard to faith and such, so it was easier to just convince myself that things weren’t that bad (easier to do with non-physical abuse) and to just deal.   After all, I kept telling myself that compared to other’s situations and the cultural picture we have of abusive relationships, what I was dealing with wasn’t that bad.  But being told what to eat and what to wear and being picked at for everything you do is not a good time.  Nor is spending the rest of your time alone as your spouse decides when he/she will come home at night after going out and such.  It just wasn’t good.

Four years later, I found the courage to leave.   The crazy thing is that my Dad had to come help me get my things because my former spouse had become volatile about the situation.  After I was gone, my Dad stayed behind to make sure my spouse didn’t do anything stupid and my spouse actually told him (my Dad of all people) that he knew he was being a dick, but he didn’t see any reason to change.  He never thought I would leave.  That just hurts.

So, yeah, being open about things is helping me to heal and move on.  But for right now, I can’t imagine being married again.  I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have to be just because others expect it.

But anyway, my point is simple.  Don’t be a douche when it comes to interacting with others (words to live by, really.)  Don’t assume that everyone wants to be like you.  Don’t assume that everyone wishes their situation was different.  Don’t assume you understand someone because they aren’t married or don’t have kids or prefer to spend time by themselves.

People are living the best lives they know how to live.  And even if they aren’t, it’s not up to you to change it for them.  They have to decide for themselves to make things different.  And they likely will when the time is right.  Just focus on being who you are…who you really are, without the tags of job, marriage, parent, etc.

I really think some of our societal pressures and expectations are pretty ridiculous in the bigger picture.

This week, I’ve helped my mom and dad set up a Skype account to video chat with Holly. After several long conversations and even more deep breaths, they were able to see her and chat with her. My mom started crying she was so happy. Glad I could help. Now, if only my sister would come home already!

I have an iphone now.

Dude, I yelled at your to get your sleepy butt up! You missed out!

neuski:

I haven’t checked the morning’s weather in the last 1.5 weeks because I assume it is too cold or rainy. I woke up this morning to the sun peeking through the clouds with a temperature of 51º F. I’m mad I didn’t get outside this morning or in the last week.

Somebody slow down this month so that I can get my stuff done on time and it doesn’t look half assed. For the record dad, I’m not a half-asser!!